Who do desi guys go to for love advice
Women have no problem baring their heart. Girlfriends, colleagues, sister, hairdresser; anyone's good. At least, that's what the guys think. But whose door do the dudes knock on, when love hurts? Anjana Vaswani barged into access-denied territory to find out
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Over a hundred years ago, Henry Youngman, a Major League baseball player for the Pittsburg Alleghenys, presented a solution to all long-term relationship problems. He said, 'People ask us the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week - a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Mumbai psychotherapist Nivedita Rawal, who specialises in cognitive-behavioural therapy, appreciates Youngman's humour but says it's important to remember that men like their space. 'They are slower to commit, dislike confrontations and can switch off from problems with a little help from a can of beer and a good view of the idiot box.'
While Rawal understands the importance of space and boundaries in a relationship, she says often, relationship issues can be resolved by employing simple tools of honesty, effective communication and compromise. 'Both individuals need to be fully committed towards resolving the issue, confront the problem, and seriously work towards finding a mutually-acceptable solution.'
Men internalise their problems
Chastity Fernandes, sex expert and columnist with an international men's magazine, agrees with Rawal. The tendency to internalise their feelings, causes relationship problems for most men. Their inability to communicate is thanks to social conditioning or the fear that their partners will be unresponsive.
Ego interferes when confiding in guys
Suddenly, men have begun to love the anonymity that various media offer them, while seeking love advice. Late night radio is a hit with confused, if not spurned lovers. Radio City 91.1 FM's Love Guru has had occasion to counsel men from various age, economic and social groups. Experience has revealed that relationship conflicts for teenage boys often stem from peer-pressure. 'Young lovers must understand that chemistry is crucial, as is mutual understanding, and that you must get to know the other before declaring your love.' Love Guru, who's on contract to keep his identity a secret, admits to never having encountered a listener who has had a confidante. If there was one, callers wouldn't bother dialling the love line, he says. 'For a man, his ego comes in the way if he has to admit to another guy that he's facing love issues. They are more comfortable pouring their heart out to girls. Confiding in someone is like stripping; it takes a lot of courage, and most men can't muster it.'
What are sisters for!
Gautam Vaswani, 22, entrepreneur and resident of Colaba, is the youngest of five siblings and the only 'boy' in the family. Gautam is grateful for the advice he receives from his sisters, but it's only what Bhavna, ten years his senior, spouts, that he takes seriously. 'Bindu, my eldest sister, is 16 years older than I am; so, we don't have much of a connection,' Gautam says, explaining that Manju (Simran's maiden name) and Resham are his favourite counsellors.
While in her presence, Gautam waxes eloquent about the advantage of having ample access to female perspective, Simran's momentary absence from the room affords him a chance to share his real agenda. 'Of course, I take their advice, and they are very important to me, but the real reason I approach them is because, what I share with them tends to travel to my dad. On hearing them out, he grows more receptive to my take on the issue. And that gives me an edge,' Gautam smiles.
Ex-girlfriend knows best
Neil Patel, 24, is a dentist we caught up with at a South Mumbai pub. Neil (in blue shirt) swears by his ex-girlfriend's advice. 'She knows exactly where I went wrong with her, so, when I have a relationship problem, she is the best person to approach for advice. She knows my failings, and is honest enough to point them out."
Inside the mind of a man
She offers a glimpse into the male psyche
Like women, most men (there are a few exceptions) want a trustworthy, secure, and emotionally-stable relationship. Most men look for women who are attractive, confident, challenging and secure. A man's earlier attachments and experiences with his mother and other significant women in his life, as well as social and cultural influences, impact his perception of how he deals with his current relationships.
Movies like Hitch are glamorous, but weave fantasy into reality. There are no fixed formulae that can help men win the approval of women they fancy. My experience has revealed that even the most confident men fumble when it comes to 'making a move'.
Often, a man is guided by tips passed on from his father, or heeds advice that goes around among the male fraternity. But tips rarely work, since each one's reality is unique.
Men who are looking for fulfilling relationships prefer women who they are attracted to on a physical as well as emotional level. These guys adopt a different approach when dealing with relationships. They value fidelity, commitment, transparency and reciprocity. They are usually willing to give and receive these in equal measure.
- Dr Nivedita Rawal Psychotherapist
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