Smilie Suri: ‘Didn’t let anybody shame me for being depressed’

She debuted in Bollywood with Kalyug 2005 about 19 years ago Since then Smilie Suri has gone through a significant journey The actor battled depression and clinical anxiety moved to Dubai and found solace in dancing Surimdashwho has trained with Shiamak Davar Sandip Soparrkar and learnt Kathak from guru Vijayshree Choudharymdashpicked up pole dancing before starting her own classes in Mumbai Now she is returning to acting with the ZEE5 film House of Lies also starring Sanjay Kapoor Rituraj Siingh and Hiten Paintal In conversation with midday Suri talks about her new approach to life and how it has influenced her actingEdited excerpts from the interviewIt has been 19 years since Kalyug What have you been doing in the interimIt feels awesome to face the camera again I had forgotten this buzz In 2016 I was battling depression and clinical anxiety My husband walked out on me So I decided to go to Dubai where I was to do an aerial silk class When the instructor didnrsquot come another teacher suggested I try pole dancing I suddenly felt beautiful and liberated I wanted to bring this to India and mine became one of the first schools for pole dancing My students range from 18 to 62yearolds I have a lot of people from the LGBTQiA community Ours is a safe space for everyone I want to get a studio in the futureYou had also dabbled in television with Ekta Kapoorrsquos Jodha Akbar Do you find it regressive nowBe it Jodha Akbar 2013 or the reality show Nach Baliye 2015 it was a lot of hard work TV is tough It didnrsquot work for me maybe because it was a costume drama and I had to travel to Karjat every day I feel if I had done a simpler and relevant daily soap where the language was colloquial it would have been better However I didnrsquot find it regressive at allWhat convinced you to return to acting with House of LiesI was doing theatre and TV but OTT fascinated me especially during COVID I manifested it with director Saumitra Singhrsquos OTT filmDid many people give their two cents when you decided to give acting another shotI donrsquot listen to anyone I stopped listening long ago Irsquom a hermit a rebel with a cause I do what I want to do be it a play pole dancing or a show There have been times when Irsquove had little money in my account but Irsquove managed it all Irsquove been destinyrsquos childWhat did you miss about showbiz in these yearsKalyug was a small film which became really big Those 40 to 50 days we spent with the unit we had become a family Although we didnrsquot have Instagram back then I still feel a sense of gratification when they call me the Jiya dhadak girlDo you see a difference in your performance from when you started out to nowOf course Everything I went through in these 20 years helped me add layers to the role in House of Lies I say and feel my lines differently Therersquos more realism in acting To catch that note and not make it look overthetop while keeping it entertaining was something I had to learnAre you worried about peoplersquos reactionsNot at all Irsquove been through too much in life for that to bother me It was difficult to reach this mentality There are times when I also slip but I keep telling myself to stay in a neutral state Your high should not be too high and your lows should not be too low Irsquove battled depression and anxiety Irsquom more equipped to handle the lows more than the highsWhat has been your extreme high and lowMy extreme lows have been losing people in my lifemdashmy father mother and grandmother I also lost my dog recently The extreme high was the day Kalyug was declared a hitWhen you look back at your mental health journey what do you feel most grateful forI feel grateful that I got help I asked for help and got it I did not shame myself or let anybody shame me for being depressed I also learnt to stop convincing people You want to learn from me Come for my class You want to cast me in a film Cast me You donrsquot want me Thatrsquos also not a problem I had my lonely moments I felt bad and excluded but that has all passed now When you start listening to yourself it helps