Bro code or no code?

The phone rang at the Tripathi residence repeatedly It had been a week since the family lost its patriarch Ramesh Tripathi to a sudden cardiac arrestAmid the griefstricken atmosphere one family member remained silentmdashTripathirsquos 38yearold son Pawan His friends had been calling for days but he was nowhere to be found When Pawanrsquos mother Gita finally answered the phone it was one of her sonrsquos friends on the line ldquoAunty hello He hasnrsquot spoken a word to us since Uncle passed Is he okayrdquo asked the friendPawan was understandably in shock His friends had given him space expecting that he would open up in time But days turned into weeks then months Pawan remained mum on his fatherrsquos loss He never showed emotion never brought up his fatherrsquos death and never reached out to his friends for supportPranav Kishore Saxena a policy professional and researcher and an Oxford graduate thinks the focus on competitive exams and careerbuilding often isolates men which eventually limits their ability to form meaningful connections PicNishad AlamSuch tendencies of silence in men around their friends even in extreme circumstances like Pawanrsquos and the romanticisation of enduring pain is a stereotype that has harmed not only menrsquos mental and emotional wellbeing but even their relationshipsmdashwith their partners and even their friendsItrsquos no news that men find it difficult to open up to their male friends which explains why their friendships often lack the intimacy seen among women who tend to express emotions more easily and are quick to ask for help or a hug or a heartfelt conversationToday the Internet is flooded with content that glorifies the narrative that the more pain men endure the more ldquomasculinerdquo they become And there are plenty of takers for this idea across demographics Despite increasing gender fluidity it may still be the ldquolone wolfrdquo archetype that persistsmdasha man who shows no emotion fights his battles alone and dies a silent ldquopridefulrdquo deathKartik RajanWe spoke to Shivani Rai an architect who is her partnerrsquos only friend Though she is in a happy relationship the fact that her partner has no other close friends worries her She says ldquoFor a woman to be the sole emotional support confidante and social anchor for a man can be incredibly challenging No one has the bandwidth to shoulder the entirety of someone elsersquos losses and triumphs all the time It is a lot of pressurerdquoldquoWomen unlike menrdquo she explains ldquooften have varied support systems with different people fulfilling different emotional needsrdquo Rai further adds ldquoFor one person to take on all those roles for their partner isnrsquot fairmdashand it prevents the partner from building their own communityrdquoRai also points out that without community therersquos a risk of social ineptness which can strain the relationshipSRK in an interview with Simi Garewal right Dwayne Johnson in an interview with Oprah Winfrey PicsGetty ImagesThe women we interviewed whose partners have very few or no friends highlighted how certain aspects of male friendships contribute to menrsquos lack of strong emotional connections Dolly Singh an engineer whose husband has just one college friend whom he speaks to over the phone every few months says ldquoI have seen the two her husband and his friend brush off serious topics avoid emotional acknowledgment and maintain a perpetually playful demeanour even when the situation demands otherwise Such behaviour leaves little room for genuine connectionrdquoThis behaviour goes by many names online you can call it ldquodude behaviourrdquo ldquobro coderdquo or the ldquoalpha male mentalityrdquoDr Fabian Almeida consultant psychiatrist at Fortis Hospital explains ldquoIn most cultural contexts men are expected to exhibit strengthmdashboth mental and physical Thatrsquos one reason why men often remain emotionally closed off even around their friends However in my experience I have seen that men do have support systems but they donrsquot access their friendships as comfortably or easily as women in times of emotional turmoil This means that even with friends around men often donrsquot open up as much Scientifically women tend to have higher levels of oxytocin a hormone that fosters bonding and nurturing which may explain why they nurture their friendships much better and allow them to offer emotional solacerdquoDr Fabian Almeida psychiatrist right Shivani Rai architectBut refraining from expressing onersquos emotions can have significant physical consequences too As Dr Almeida explains ldquoWhen someone suppresses their feelings for an extended period those emotions can manifest physically due to the strong connection between the mind and body This phenomenon is known as somatization when the mind doesnrsquot talk the body learns to talk It can present as various physical symptomsmdashranging from tension headaches and stomach aches to joint pain backache acidity and indigestion or even chronic fatigue Often people find it more socially acceptable to express physical discomfort rather than emotional distress which is why these symptoms are verbalised more readily But whatrsquos important is to recognise that these physical pains may be the bodyrsquos way of signalling unresolved emotional painrdquoHowever there are men who have built a wide social net and have a number of close friends too For instance Kartik Rajan a Punebased freelance video producer and sound designer who also does spoken word poetry has a closeknit circle of 10 to 15 male friendsmdashfrom school and college buddies to former colleaguesBut he admits ldquoDespite being very social I donrsquot make a lot of new male friends Irsquom on the more lsquoprogressiversquo side politically and I value deeper conversations that I just donrsquot find easily among menrdquoThis preference for meaningful dialogue led Rajan to cultivate a wide circle of female friends While he can discuss anything with his male friends he still finds it much easier to open up about his feelings with women ldquoWith women itrsquos easier to talk about emotions or insecuritiesrdquo he explainsldquoMen use masculinity like a drug to cope with their life situationsrdquo he says But there is scope for male friendships to evolve Rajan says ldquoThe most I have seen men open up is during those latenight campfirelike moments You may have to create a space where they feel safe to be vulnerable even if itrsquos done discreetlyrdquoIt may not be a personal struggle as deeper connections depend on societal dynamics equally But perhaps moving beyond ldquothe stoic demeanourrdquo and the ldquolonewolfrdquo archetype can help men32Percentage by which a personrsquos risk of premature death increases due to longterm social isolationSource Study at Brigham Young University USThe quiet strugglesPranav Kishore Saxena a policy professional and researcher has introspected on his male and female friendshipsAs someone who has observed cultures in both India and the UK he says ldquoI have about three or four friends I have stayed connected with since school and college But making new friends after college Thatrsquos been toughrdquoHe notes that for men the reception to forming friendships later in lifemdashpost25 or 30mdashoften depends on circumstances ldquoIf someone doesnrsquot have other social circles they might open up Thatrsquos how I made a few friends after my second Masters at Oxford But they arenrsquot close friendsrdquoThere may be a sociological angle here too He explains ldquoWomen often pursue education and careers for independence while for men usually education and career are just a means to an end thus everything becomes a transactional including social interaction and friendship This makes it harder for men to seek true friendly connections after a certain agerdquoLike many men we spoke to who admitted theyrsquore not very open with their male friends Saxena said ldquoI donrsquot have many guy friends I can truly open up to In fact I have realised that I donrsquot even engage with those who canrsquot understand vulnerability I can recognise which friends are just for fun and which ones I can have deeper conversations withrdquoThe weird comfortHost of The Chill Hour podcast and content creator Deepak Pareek describes male friendships as both ldquoweird and comfortingrdquoHe says ldquoTherersquos not a lot of emotional sharing in most male friendships but with certain friends I have been extremely vulnerable We have even cried togetherrdquoBut therersquos an awkwardness that lingers among most men when one shows their vulnerable side Pareek says ldquoThe weird part is as guys we donrsquot know how to console each other Do we hug Pat their shoulder Wersquove never been taught how to handle these momentsrdquoWhen asked about making friends later in life Pareek said ldquoItrsquos about comfort At 28 or 30 yoursquore already comfortable with your old friends So to make new friends you have to take the initiative and step out of your comfort zone It could be anythingmdashfrom networking events to gyms or social gatherings You canrsquot expect friendships to form without effortrdquoDespite the comfort his male friendships give him Pareek admits that friendships with women have taught him how to listen and empathise better With his male friends emotional conversations often take a backseat Curiosity may be the key for men to make new friends ldquoIf yoursquore innately curious yoursquoll find ways to have meaningful conversations even with strangersrdquo says Pareek who has indepth conversations with new people regularly on his podcast covering a slew of topicsHe explains ldquoNot every male friend will have the same depth of connection with you and thatrsquos okay Itrsquos about finding shared passions and building from thererdquo