Experts and parents on how to support genderqueer children

Recently at the Dodgers Foundation Blue Diamond Gala in Los Angeles Jennifer Lopez proudly used lsquotheyrsquo as the pronoun to introduce her 14yearold child Emme on stage for a duet performance showing her support for her childrsquos gender identity This opens the conversation to the need and importance of parentsrsquo support and acceptance of their childrsquos gender identity and sexual orientationLetrsquos talkUnnati Bhardwaj queer affirmative counseling psychologistUnnati Bhardwaj believes that in this generation the onus of cultivating an attitude of acceptance should be on the parents They bust the myth that talking about gender at an early age will make your child queer saying ldquoInstead speaking about gender will make a closeted queer child feel safe and lovedrdquoIt is equally necessary to engage with children about gender and different kinds of bodies They explain that children are able to grasp the concept of gender when they are as young as three years old and accept challenging concepts faster than adults ldquoThis wonrsquot be a onetime conversation allow it to be an ongoing one where your child feels comfortable to open up because their life experiences will change with agerdquo they tell usThey explain that identity is not dependent on the sex one is assigned at birth it reflects what one feels and individuals can comprehend this at an early age Gender identity is not a lifestyle choice it is who a person is And so educating your child about gender identity using genderneutral pronouns and asking your child what pronoun they feel most like themselves when used will ultimately help your child better navigate their way to understanding and living their own identityLetrsquos listenComing out to onersquos parents is marked by the fear and uncertainty of how onersquos gender will be received it is an expression of trust as well as vulnerability They explain ldquoUnderstand that this is a journey that your child has to make and you can only support them Parents donrsquot have to teach gender to their kids as much as they need to learn about their childrsquos gender from themrdquoApproach queer affirmative therapists and support groups to help understand and embrace your child Itrsquos okay if parents need time to process their childrsquos coming out if they feel too overwhelmed but do so without blaming or projecting your feelings onto your child The psychologist shares an important reminder mdash ldquoGender and sexuality are only a part of the person you have always loved and them being queer does not make them a stranger to your affectionrdquoSupport beyond homeCreate a support plan with your child to determine safe and unsafe people With unsafe people they say ldquoExplicitly demonstrate affirming language correct them when they misgender your child and shut down any attempts to undermine question or dismiss your childrsquos identity Deny them access to your child unless they are willing to use the correct language and attituderdquoBe aware of infrastructural discrimination in hospitals security checks and public spaces that force conformity There will be difficult instances that your child will face alone and parentsrsquo support helps lay a foundation of selfconfidenceParent mattersVidya Martis parent and homemaker Neil Martis student MumbaiCanadaA Mumbaibased parent Vidya shares her experience as a proud mom of her genderqueer child Neil 28 She says ldquoDonrsquot judge your child on the basis of their gender or orientation because nothing will change the fact that your child is your childrdquo She highlights the importance of a safe home environment and a parentrsquos full support love and acceptance in ensuring their child is prepared to face the real world and live their true selves Neil adds ldquoItrsquos natural for children to look to their parents for a safe space So parents should not place hurdles for their child to come out to themrdquoVidya and Neil MartisTackling the resistance to accept and use the pronouns one identifies with the two explain that addressing someone with pronouns they do not identify with is disrespectful When addressing onersquos genderqueer child outside the home the mother and child maintain that itrsquos important to first ask onersquos child how they would like to be addressed since they might have come out to a section of society and not to anotherThis calls to mind Unnati Bhardwajrsquos suggestion of having a support plan developed by both child and parent with the help of a psychologist for guidance if needed Strongly laying down the truth the 53yearold parent reminds us ldquoSociety should be more concerned about onersquos character and contributions rather than who they are and who they are attracted tordquoBreak the tabooDeepika Bhandari psychotherapist and cofounder of Dear Oliver Therapy ServicesTopics of gender identity and sexual orientation are tabooed by society Bhandari maintains that parents must move away from such conventions and normalise them through open conversations A good starting point can be to educate yourself and question your biasesHow to build a safe environment for your childgtgt The act of coming out is scary Genderqueer children may be afraid that they may be alienated not acknowledged and that their coming out might be met with disapproval and angergtgt If you have questions ask But ask to understand not to cast doubt on or alienate your child Understand the difficulties and experiences they are going through and ask how they can be supportedgtgt Place the onus of educating yourself on yourself instead of making your child teach yougtgt When others misgender your child correct them Support your child and be an allygtgt Language is gendered so make an active effort to use gender neutral termsgtgt If you address your child by the wrong pronoun donrsquot let it slide Acknowledge apologise and move ongtgt Lastly trust that your child knows better about themselves than you They have spent time understanding themselvesBe in the knowUnnati Bhardwaj shares websites and organisations with vast resource lists of helplines support groups films podcasts and books1 lgbtqindiaresourcein2 thetrevorprojectorg3 desirainboworg4 linktreetherapywithunnati5 Sweekar the Rainbow Parents on Facebook