Psychotherapist Sonali Gupta dives into the complexities of grief in new book

Four years after his passing actor Lupita Nyongrsquoo recently wrote about the death of her former costar Chadwick Boseman ldquoGrief never ends But it changes It is a passage not a place to stay Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith Itrsquos the price of loverdquo Her evocative words touched a chord with thousands of fans who could either relate to the very personal loss of a loved one or the collective and almost as crushing loss of a beloved celebrity like Boseman And while Nyongrsquoo reflected on the transformative nature of her grief for many the unspoken burden of loss is often theirs to shoulder aloneJournalling can be a therapeutic tool to process griefIt was this realisation that led psychotherapist Sonali Gupta to devote an entire book You Will Be Alright Penguin India to the topic She shares ldquoOver the last two decades of my work I have witnessed and seen that we have a culture of intergenerational silence when it comes to grief We are neither taught nor trained to have a vocabulary for grief As a result itrsquos extremely common for clients who come to therapy sessions to tell me how they find it hard to articulate what is being evoked in them in the event of a loss either due to death or the end of a relationship Grief takes the form of that lsquowho must not be namedrsquo mdash we carry irrational beliefs around death and mortality mdash such as believing that something bad may really happen if we talk about deathrdquoAlso Read Did it heal me Sunday midday tests therapy sessions with a new AI chatbotGuptarsquos book addresses the topic through a multifaceted lens with careful consideration to those parts of grief that are often considered too lsquodifficultrsquo to address and are therefore relegated to silence This she says was a conscious decision ldquoHow we accept and process grief impacts everything I believe it shapes how we love and how we live This in turn also means that if we choose to suppress and avoid dealing with our grief then in so many ways it starts coming in the way of how we loverdquo she elaboratesComplexities of lossIn the book Gupta writes that while grief is typically associated with death it is more accurately described as the human response to loss This loss can take various forms mdash drifting apart from an old friend a miscarriage the end of a relationship or even betrayal She notes that grief can also be attributed to the loss of a thing or even an abstraction Acknowledging the grief that results from such losses says Gupta is the first step towards processing those emotions and seeking the necessary supportIndividual therapy sessions can help you cope with the lossAnother interesting observation is that while emotions such as fear devastating sorrow and hopelessness are considered typical of the grieving process individuals experiencing grief may sometimes find their sadness tinged with contradictory emotions such as relief shame anger or even guilt ldquoSituations that could be associated with relief are when there have been years of care giving and a certain degree of fatigue and exhaustion have set inrdquo Gupta writesldquoVery often relief is accompanied by a feeling of guilt We begin to think of ourselves as bad people who feel relief in the aftermath of a loved onersquos death The reality is that we can still love someone deeply and yet feel relieved when they pass away It is normal and a part of being humanrdquo she continues Similarly she writes about the possibility of grief being accompanied by feelings of shame combined with anger and even hatred for the person who passed away particularly when there was addiction involved mdash like alcohol or drugs for instance These emotions are often intertwined with sadness and may be experienced at the same time For many this duality and paradoxical reality may seem difficult to comprehend ldquoIf you are supporting someone who is dealing with these emotions learning to accept what the bereaved is saying without trying to judge them for it is the biggest part of griefrdquo she notesHelp through it allWhen supporting a grieving individual the lsquohowrsquo matters as much as the intent Gupta emphasises ldquoStatements like lsquotime is a big healerrsquo lsquoyou will get over itrsquo or telling someone to lsquothink of the road aheadrsquo donrsquot help at all The reality is that we never get over our losses we only learn to build a life around loss There are no timelines when it comes to grief and telling someone that it gets better with time can often feel like trivialising their loss Just as our love remains even after we have lost a loved one our grief also remains mdash it changes and feels different as we begin to process the loss Learning to listen offering an attentive presence rather than saying lsquoI know exactly how you feelrsquo is important as grief never looks the same for two individualsrdquo she addsIn the book Gupta reminds us that just as our love remains even after we have lost a loved one so does our grief mdash it changes and feels different as we begin to process the loss Representation picsKnowing when to seek the right kind of support is also crucial ldquoGrief is deeply personal feels overwhelming and often shows up in the most unexpected ways There are clients who reach out in therapy because they find it hard to talk to their loved ones and often need a safe space that feels objective and nonjudgmental In scenarios where the bereaved had an ambivalent relationship with the individual who passed away and has mixed feelings about this loss the support of an expert can help In my experience if you are experiencing panic attacks suicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts at a rapid frequency it is important to reach out to a mental health professional Similarly if the loss was due to suicide homicide or under traumatic circumstances it becomes crucial to reach outrdquo Gupta explainsGrief or depressionAt the same time she points out that itrsquos important to not pathologise grief ldquoWhile the devastating sadness that follows grief seems a lot like depression itrsquos important to not confuse the two Grief and depression share some similar characteristics however they are not the same We need to remember that every grieving individual is not depressed When you are supporting someone who is grieving learn to be patient and recognise grief for what it is while also being alert about persistent and intrusive symptoms that do need attentionrdquo she concludesIs it normal to mourn celebrity deathsMichael Jacksonrsquos death in 2009 resulted in an unprecedented global mourningThe short answer says Gupta is yes ldquoClients often talk about celebrity deaths in therapy sessions My sense is that these deaths remind us of our own mortalityhellip more so when the deaths are untimely the idea of uncertainty and unpredictability of life also emerges It is also very common for clients who struggle with clinical depression and suicidal thoughts to experience an increased intensity when it comes to their own moods particularly when a celebrity death is attributed to suicide or strange circumstances or is considered untimelyrdquo she writes She notes that it is important to allow yourself to mourn and grieve these losses just as you would mourn the passing of someone close to you ldquoEngaging with their work limiting the consumption of news and social media journalling your thoughts and seeking support are some ways in which you can process this griefrdquo Gupta saysAlso Read Emotional hangover What is this new mental health buzzword and how can you recognise it