Rahul da Cunha: Kaali Peeli, why do you take Uber?

Illustration/Uday Mohite

So here's an observation, dear reader. Most men love to boast about themselves. Here's another deeper observation - Indian men love to show off, but with one difference. They do it by trying to top other Indian men in the area of better holidays, better cars, better colognes, better clothes, better cigars, better gadgets. Here's an example.

Man 1: So I can finally strike Istanbul off my bucket list. Kya destination tha, yaar.
Man 2: Achcha, you only went to Istanbul? You should have been to Bodrum too. What night life ya!
Man 3: Arre, you guys think small. You should have combined Turkey with Greece, total paisa vasool.
Man 4: Turkey is too over-rated, I went many years ago when it was not so fashionable. India best hai. Ranthambore is superb.
Man 1: Achcha, how many tigers did you see?
Man 4: We saw two!
Man 2: That's nothing. We saw three.
Man 3: Forget tigers, that's common. We saw a leopard.
Man 1: Shut up! There are no leopards in Ranthambore.
Man 2: We went to Koh Samui.
Man 4: Arrey, Koh Samui is
so common, it's like going to
Mahabaleshwar.
Man 1: No we went to Koh Samui to buy a house.
Silence. And so on…

It gets better when it comes to fines tastes, especially whiskey, and particularly single malts. I was at a single malt tasting soiree a few days ago. Serial eavesdropper that I am, here's a snippet (with some dollops of masala).
Santa: I only drink Glenlivet.
Banta: So outdated, you should have Aberlour, mast hai.
Santa (a tad insulted): I don't drink ordinary 12 years Glenlivet, only the special edition Glenlivet - 25 years, and only twenty bottles have been manufactured.
Me: Have you guys tried Glen-maxwell? Fantastic.
Santa: Ya ya, I've heard of it.
Me: And Glenmcgrath.
Chiki: All these Scottish malts are old fashioned. Best hai Japanese malts. Hibiki.
Kicki: Hibiki is ok, usse better hai Yamazaki.
Me: You guys should try the most unique of all, it's called Origami.
Kicki: Wow, where do you find it?
Me: Dubai Duty-Free.
Chiki: Which Duty-Free, the first one or the second one?
Me: Uh, not sure.
Chiki: See Dubai Duty Free is like my second home.
Dear reader, what I didn't see coming is that it's not just about 'who's wallet biggest' - it's also about can I get a better deal than you.
So I took an Uber for the first time last week. (Yeah reader, what can
I say?)
And so, let's talk about private cabs and the Indian man.
Me: I took an Uber last week.
Bhola: Uber is sh't.
Chola: Ola is better.
Bhola: Ola is sh't.
Chola: No no, you should take Ola Premiere.
Bhola: What's the difference?
Chola: The taxi comes to your doorstep.
Gola: See boss, all these private cabs are sh't. I keep the Bentley for the kids.
Chola: And what do you take?
Gola: Kaali Peeli, dude.

Rahul da Cunha is an adman, theatre director/playwright, photographer, and traveller. Reach him at rahuldacunha62@gmail.com

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